10 April 2015


I've recently realised that my life is completely on hold, and has been for some time.

I'm waiting, but I can't work out what I'm waiting for ~ the complete breakdown of my marriage, the point at which I reach the bottom of a depression cycle and kill myself (unlikely, but it remains a possibility when I'm really stressed), our son reaching adulthood and moving out, progress on house extensions (possibly with a revision so that we have separate rooms ~ I know that the extensions won't solve our relationship problems but they may make it possible to live more separate lives without actually separating), or something else ~ I don't know what.

My depression, comfort eating, inability to concentrate on work (leading to a work backlog that keeps me permanently behind and stressed about the work that is not done), significant weight gain (I'm around 95kg ~ the heaviest I've ever been), feeling of being unwelcome in my own home (which means no practising hair, makeup or voice), etc are all folding in on each other, leaving me an emotional and physical wreck.

As a consequence, I completely missed the Kurri Kurri Nostalgia Festival this year, and didn't get to the Street Rod Nationals at Easter in girl mode either, having gone in boy mode to take my son on Sunday.

The Street Rod Nationals are an annual event that is held in a different state each year. I think that this was the first year it's ever been in Newcastle, and will be several years before it will even be in New South Wales again. Given the focus on vehicles from the mid 1960s and older, it is connected with the whole retro pinup dress style, so if I'd been up to it, I would have had valid reasons for three days of outings over two consecutive weekends. Instead, it's now over five months since my last outing, in spite of having my nails done regularly, and my recent move to having my hair dyed regularly.

So, I don't know what I'm waiting for or how to move past whatever it is, but in the meantime, life is passing me by and there doesn't seem to be anything that I can do about it.


  1. I look for your posts each time I log on to T central.....not a happy post this time, but still pleased to see it.......life will resolve itself; keep believing.


  2. There is always something you can do, even if you don't feel like it. If you are laid low by depression, doing anything can feel like the hardest task in the world. You do have to try. Even if it's something small, like a walk in the park, or painting your toenails and trying to break out from under the cloud. Fight back in little ways. Don't let the Black Dog claim you. <3

  3. It's hard to relax when there's a backlog at work. You're stressed & need to take time out, which will make you further behind. Any time you take for yourself; you can't relax because you know there's such a backlog of work waiting for you. One day, we'll all be dead & gone & none of this will matter. Meanwhile, breathe ... you're alive NOW. Look after yourself Alice.

  4. trying one more time i seem to have lost my comment 2 times now so i'll try one more time...
    oh how i can relate to the work back log.
    it starts out in the morning while i am getting dressed. if i dress in boy mode i get more accomplished and if i dress in girl mode i fear getting my nice clothes icky *sigh* on the days Diana wins out nothing gets accomplished accept going out to the food store or some other place. it is an ongoing battle within... and that is in spite of the fact i have come out to my family, friends neighbors and some customers (i own a small business)
    so you can only take one day at a time.
    "yesterday is gone and can't be changed and tomorrow has not come yet...."

  5. ps didn't know your e mail but i see we are both car buffs