29 December 2013

Not like a character from a Jane Austen novel

The following has been saved as a draft blog post for over a year. I knew part of what I wanted to say, but not all of it. It occurred to me today that I now know the answer, and can can complete the post...
I have been pondering a line from the character Elizabeth Bennet in the Jane Austen novel, Pride and Prejudice on and off for quite a while now.

I cannot bear to think that he is alive in the world and thinking ill of me.

While she was saying it in regards to the man that she was in love with (but didn't realise it at the time) and ended up marrying, I see a generic parallel in my life in general.

I know that I shouldn't care about the opinions of negative people, but I have a tendency not to want anybody to think ill of me.

I've finally realised where my whole thinking was wrong.

Elizabeth Bennet cared about Mr Darcy's opinion of her because it actually mattered to her, even though she wasn't aware of why at the time that she made the statement. In stark contrast, the attitudes and opinions of people who think ill of me must no longer matter to me.

For years, even when I knew that I was being rejected, I sought approval and acceptance from people whose opinion I should never have cared about. That includes a wide variety of people, including family members who have chosen to reject me because I was honest about who I am. It even includes some members of the trans community who have gone out of their way to hurt me. The apparent reasons range from political differences to jealousy, but I've finally come to realise that the reason is entirely irrelevant, and I shouldn't even try to work it out. I simply have to disconnect myself from anybody who has chosen to reject me, irrespective of their reasons.

As a scientifically educated political moderate, I've been rejected by radical socialists and deeply conservative pseudo-religious people alike. At the same time, I have genuine friends including some at both ends of the political spectrum. We might not see eye to eye on many issues, but we are still able to not only be civil but to be friends. Hence, a political difference doesn't have to be a reason why someone would reject me, unless they are too narrow minded to be able to accept a difference of opinion. 

So, from now on I am going to make an effort to ignore people who choose to reject me. I'm going to try not to even think about why they are rejecting me, but simply accept that they have successfully argued for their limitations. I'm not even going to bother feeling sorry for them any more.


  1. Dear Alice,
    While I cannot relate to your situation I can relate to you as a person :-) I too sometimes get looked down upon for my personal choices and unique loves. What upsets me is when people who are supposed to love me the most try to change me. And to make them happy and ease any conflict I often give in. And yes these people can push down the real me harder and harder while they are winning but one day I will explode out of the shell bigger and better then I ever was. And that's when true family and friends will shine through and always be at my side.
    Some people may not accept the person you are, including your friends and family, and in this day and age I cannot understand why. You don't hurt people or say/do offensive things. You are a genuinely nice person and that's something I think we need more of in this world.
    I admire you and your strength. I think you are a wonderful person and an interesting person. I think it's great that you're taking a stance and ignore those that hurt you. After all when it comes down to it why would we want people near us that bring us down.
    Never change the person you are xx

    1. I love this :) xx

  2. I did long ago what you advocate doing now. It was lonely and not easy but it turned me around.

    For many years I felt rejected and even tried to conform to societal norms, I married a woman. I created children and feel I've lived a lie. I never forgot who I was and as a result I was very un-happy.

    Regrdless of what you have, I'm glad to see you've taken the step to the honest and inner you! Good for you, Alice!