11 October 2014

heading inexorably down a dark path

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I don't know how long I can hang on by my fingertips. Today, I came to the sad realisation that my life as it is now is leading me inexorably down the dark path towards suicide. I'm not talking days or weeks, but I can't honestly say that I will still be around in 6 or 12 months time.

Fundamentally, I am struggling with depression, exacerbated by comfort eating and severe sleep deprivation. How badly I struggle varies from day to day. One of the consequences of my depression is an inability to concentrate on paperwork. Unfortunately, paperwork is very much the core of my work, and falling behind means that time that I should be spending doing other things becomes time spent, usually very unproductively, trying to catch up on that paperwork.

Add in the fact that so many people seem to have no concept of personal space and time, and insist on contacting me via every available mechanism at all times of day and night, seven days a week, and the interaction between my work, over eating, sleep deprivation and depression is a downward spiral that I struggle vainly to escape from.

Surprisingly, my work is not the source of my depression problem. It just exacerbates it. The root cause is a relationship problem that I cannot fix, and cannot escape. Worse, I've recently come to the realisation that even if I could fix or escape that problem, there's no point in doing so as I no longer believe that I can fix the other problems that have come about as a consequence of the relationship problem and the long term depression.

So, for example, rather than getting up early and going to Sydney to a free hair and makeup event at Beauty Heaven a few weeks ago, where I would have got to catch up with several friends who I haven't seen in years, I surrendered to my depression, slept in and stayed home. Reading about the event from some of those who did attend made me even more depressed, knowing what I had missed out on.

To try to overcome a growing feeling that I'm no longer able to go out en femme, I planned to go to my nail appointment last Wednesday en femme. After planning it for a fortnight including doing the usual preparations such as epilation, I was informed the night before that I was expected to go, in boy mode, to a 5pm information session for a selective high school that we might want to try to get our son into. The option of going to my nail appointment en femme was taken away from me, reinforcing the feeling that I'm no longer allowed to go out en femme.

So, for now, all I can do is continue to plan and attempt to go out, realising that every time I plan to go out and am prevented is another step down that dark path, but making the decision not to try would be a one-way trip right to the end.


  1. Crikey AJ, I don't know what to say other than there MUST be a solution, it just hasn't presented itself yet. Sending you positive thoughts and hope that you can find someone qualified to help you with these dilemmas, because that's all they are - easy for me to say I know, but nothing is impossible to resolve, stay strong ♥

  2. Hi. Long time reader, first time commenting. Please get help, Alice. Please don't give in to the dark thoughts and let them win. Where you are hurts, perhaps, hurts like Hell. It may not feel like it and you may doubt these words: you can beat this. Maybe not alone and maybe not for months, but it can be done. Life can seem impossible and all hope may seem gone, but that what depression does. It takes away all of our joy and leaves us as this empty breathing shell that looks like a person. You are still alive and, please believe me, that there is hope. <3

  3. Oh Alice. This post really worries me. Does your wife know how you are feeling?

  4. Hi Alice Jane,
    I'm also a BH member (I'm not sure if you've noticed my posts). You recent blog post has made me a little worried and I just wanted to make sure that you're safe and well. Depression is so difficult to live with and it's always great to have support when dark times happen. Please reach out to those close to you for help or you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14. I really want to see you feel better and get back to wearing your lovely retro outfits.

  5. Me again. Alice, as others have said, there is help available. Go to your GP, it's the first step towards getting help. You aren't alone. There are plenty of people who care about you and want you to be okay xxx

  6. AJ hope you are alright. I don't know what else to say . Please seek help dear.

  7. I know that path, nearly followed it myself a few years ago. I've written about it on FB (https://www.facebook.com/lisa.mallon.50/posts/776596952379160).

    My short term solution was unique to me (getting a dog), but my long term solution was dealing with my gender dysphoria. In my case it meant starting to transition, which might not be your solution of course.

    But you need to talk to a gender specialist. Here in Melbourne it would be Jaco Erasmus or Fentin Heart. So you need to find someone of that calibre in Sydney. A 'general' psych; wont work, it has to be someone who really knows GD and what the best steps are.

  8. You don't know me, I've never been here before, I'm misfortune8 from beauty heaven - but I've only recently become an active participant. The 'lift esteem' thread mentioned you were in a bad way so I googled & found your blog. I'm not good with expressing feelings, but I wanted to say something. Just buggered if I know what though. There are people who care that you don't even know. I've lived with depression for a long time. I've been suicidal & there's no right words to say. I don't know your hell - you don't know mine. You've got people pulling for you.

  9. Just checking in AJ - you OK?
    If you don't want to post, that's cool. Please just reply with a ♥ or something.

  10. I'm still here. My follow-up post explained a lot more of where I'm at. I intended to post again by now but haven't yet worked out what I want to say.

    1. I've been checking both posts for updates. I don't really know what to say either, I'm glad you checked in.

  11. Dear AJ, I am also a bh forum regular and had wondered where you had been. IHad just gone thru some older posts and saw a comment saying you weren't in a great space so. Here I am. I, like others, don't know what to say. I hope that since UR last post that U r feeling even a little lighter than you were. The only thing I can say is I do know and understand depression, and have been in the dark space and what I found it felt like I was hanging onto the side of a deep dark well hanging on just by my fingertips. And when UR in that place it's horrid. When I finally let go of the side and ended up down the dark hole I realised that I coukdnt go any lower and the only way was up. It was actually the best I had felt in a long time. Allowing to hit rock bottom only gave me the option of climbing back up, and it was way easier and less negative all consuming energy than holding on with my fingertips.
    This may not make any sense to many or even you hun, but if it does I sure hope ur starting to see the light after hitting the bottom. I don't know much about gender issues but finding a great specialised dr sounds like exactly what you need. I'm so sorry to hear that you were unable to get to the bh event hun. Thinking of you and look forward to seeing you back in the forums soon. Hugs hun xxxxxxx