You may have noticed that I didn't post much last year. Like the year before, I have been feeling rather out of sorts and just not with it. I've finally come to acknowledge that I'm living continuously on the verge of a complete breakdown. I think that I've known it for a long time but not wanted to face it.
My living is dependant upon a government bureaucracy that, since I returned to work after Easter last year, is supposed to audit me at least once a year. I now suffer from anxiety with all of my work because there is no clear definition of what will be audited and what will be considered right or wrong. To say that my work output is down would be a massive understatement!
On top of that, due to family issues and a total failure to make progress on plans for house extensions and renovations that I hoped would make it easier to organise myself and get out more often, my life has basically ground to a halt and going out en femme has become a chore.
Given that going out en femme helps to lift my mood, I'm caught in a catch-22 situation of being too depressed to make the effort to overcome the other obstacles to going out, even though I know that I would enjoy going out and that it would help to relieve my depression. In recent times I've only managed to get out if I've made a significant investment in what I was doing, such as paying for a ticket or buying a costume in advance.
Consequently, I got out only a total of 13 times in 2012. Considering that I managed to get out a total of 73 times during 2010, last year's total is fairly sad.
I may not have been out often, but I managed to go to some events that I really enjoyed, including the The Lindy Charm School at MisKonduct Klothing, Halloween, IMATS, my trip to Sydney to farewell Su and the first Newcastle Beauty Heaven meet-up.
Sadly, I have been made to feel consistently unwelcome at the local cafe nights. A few years ago, one of the then regulars decided that she didn't like me and to this day I don't know why. She also convinced someone who used to be a friend of mine many years ago to also turn her back on me, which still hurts me to this day. In spite of that, I made an effort to keep going.
I am a political moderate (Libertarian), but I generally make an effort not to talk about politics en femme either on line or in person. Unfortunately, one of the other regulars at the cafe nights whose political position can only be described as far left persisted in making snide political comments in an effort to draw me into political arguments every time I went to the cafe. On top of everything else that was making it difficult for me to go out, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. My cafe night outings became sporadic but every time I went back and she was there, it happened again until I finally gave up. I have no idea if I will go to a cafe night again. :(
On the upside, I've come to realise that having long painted nails is a continuous form of self expression and declaration of non-conformance that relieves my need to go out en femme. I still want to go out, but having my nails done reduces the pain of not spending time en femme.
Sadly, what you write about; being made to feel unwelcome at your local cafe night's out, is not so new or surprising. Many years ago my father told me (while I was still hiding my girlish ideas from him) not to talk of politics or religeon to anyone save similar thinking persons. I learned that lesson the hard way. I'm also a political moderate and have left my church long ago, the pastor felt I was wrong. I go out of my way NOT to talk about politics or religeon any more and it makes little difference if I'm in man-drab or enfemme.
ReplyDeleteThere is always something else to talk about.
There is always one who doesn't like you either. I wrote about not everyone being an advocate of cross dressers and to this day I really don't understand why that is. Some people even spend their time convinceing another person not to like you as well, and this kind of thing will surely hurt deeply.
I would advise you to simply ignore all those slings and arrows, if you can, and continue to make an effort to be what you know you are. Don't let it become "the straw that broke the camel's back." Don't give in or give up! Find other T-girls and go celebrate your cafe nights out en femme!
Please don't let having your nails long and painted (they are pretty though) become the only form of your self expression, having your nails done may reduce the pain of not spending time en femme but don't let it become the norm!
Just my two-cents.
I wish you only the best of luck on your audit.